Past Imperfect

The process has really taught me how important boundaries are. My MO is to try to sweep in and save everyone and everything. I do the research, make the calls, take the notes, present my findings. I finally decided I'll spend a set, short amount of time doing research when mom asks me to (which is rare). I learned this because mom knows it all/has her own set of facts. Today I presented to her info on the only 2 secure skilled nursing facilities anywhere nearby, along with her transportation options since she's legally blind. One is in the town my brother lives in. That town also has a better transport system.  She'd have to move in with my brother - and his wife and his 2 teenaged children and their assorted pets  (which I doubt she'll want nor do). The other is nearer me, but still 40 minutes from me. No male beds as of this morning. There's transportation but she doesn't believe it. Yep. I ended the call by reminding her it's her and my brother's deci

Feeling my feels today. My birthday. Trying to focus on the good things.  Did hair this morning for sweet long time clients who are friends and they got balloons, cards. Love them a lot. Daddy was able to sing happy birthday to me. I let voice mail take the call so I'll have it forever. I think about everything else and I feel ridiculous having any bad feelings at all. I don't know - maybe that's normal. Today mom has again decided she can't take care of dad. She had to hide all the knives because he's seeing people trying to break in. He came at her with one but she was able to take it from him somehow. His worst hallucinations and paranoia are at night but today was cloudy so I guess he thought it was nighttime. (This is known as 'sundowner syndrome' and is common in dementia.) Discovered my brother called a place while dad was in hospital about taking him, but D had already looked into places nearby and the only one with secure memory care is further away

The emotional manifests the physical.  Several times a day I catch my shoulders up to my (hate the word literally, but here it is). And actually D points it out.  We have to bend, then shift. Bend, so we don't break when the shit hits the fan, natch. But then we have to shift to be able to clean up the fan. (Sorry for the crappy analogy.) I've been trying to put this into practice for a long time and I still struggle especially now. Who am I kidding. I'm a mess. Reflecting this morning I know I can't do anyone any good if I'm a mess. So what can I do differently? It's a day already 🤦🏻‍♀️

Called mom this morning to ask if I could come out to sit with daddy while the air conditioner repair person was there. She seemed... almost cheerful when she answered. Didn't even pretend she didn't know who I was. Yep. She does that. Turns out they were able to get someone to come out last night. They put a band-aid on it and it's working. She was also thrilled she was able to figure out how to have groceries delivered from Walmart at 4:00 this morning. For her that's a big win! I figured today would be a good day for me to see daddy - it's been a whole week today. I got a maybe! She came up with a couple of excuses, but a maybe isn't a no 🤞🏼 xora

It's Saturday. He won't remember. I don't know if there's any little space in him that might know. Especially since I haven't seen him in a whole week. I only know what mom has told me, and I can't trust that at all. I'm feeling very sad this morning. xora

Just as I blogged earlier today... The parent's air conditioner stopped working. Repair can't get there until morning. I offered to come get them and bring them to our house. She balked. Of course. I don't even want to think about what dad may do with a strange repair person in the house. xora

I've learned to not ask, 'what next?'. Because there always a 'next'. Trying hard to not ask, 'how much more can I take?'. Because there's always more I have to take. All I can do is have a mental file cabinet, and place each new problem into its own file.  I wrote and deleted details of what D and I are facing in our own life. This blog is mostly for me to vent (cheaper than therapy!). I know those details. No need to write them here. Bottom line is that we've bled our savings and are scrambling. Everyone dealing with a loved one with LBD is in the same storm: work, raising a family, their own illnesses, debt, pandemic. We have to balance taking care of ourselves and our own family's future with LBD.  I'm looking at it as a shift. I have to be ready at a moment's notice to lean one way or the other. Be ready to bend.  Even through all of this, I am so fortunate. We have a roof over our heads, shaky as it is. We have our people in our cor

Mom is isolating. I've asked every day to visit daddy. Every day, mom says it isn't a good day. I don't want to upset her already - well, upset. Finally today (yesterday now) she said I needed to wait until he got stronger. I flat out told her he wasn't going to get stronger. So she said SHE needed to get stronger. It's clear I upset her even more. But at this point I think everyone and everything upset her. Sometimes I think she brought him home to die. I believe that's actually going to happen, I just don't think SHE realizes it. Or maybe she does. She's said for a long time they're ready to go. She said it more often when covid hit. Hell. I don't know. xora

My brother and I haven't spoken in a long time, for reasons. It's another blog post. But after me reaching out to him many times, I received this little gem: xora

I want to talk about what's going on with D and myself.  D has been in senior living c suites for years. Since 2018, he's had different people want him to start a management company. He's put in untold hours, days, weeks, months, and has been screwed (for lack of a better word) every time. He took the job in Salt Lake City, only to have the rug pulled out from under him. We've managed to squeak by with savings and with the help of family and framily. One thing after another - illness, cars dying, family dying, kids in college, and now my dad. In this blog I haven't even yet touched on the thin thread that is my relationship with my own mother that's about to break. The only thing I know, that I'm beyond grateful for, is my relationship with D. All these things would break up a relationship - hell, any one of these things would. But we are stronger and more committed than ever. It's almost magical. When I have a bad day, he's the tough one. Calm washe

I'll post video and photos from when Dad's disease hadn't yet progressed this far.  He was having hallucinations last year, but he was aware they were hallucinations.  One of his recurring hallucinations is of me. He always sees me near him. xora

Today marks a week since Mom took Dad home. I called Monday morning. She was exasperated. She said she couldn\"t take care of him by herself. She said she couldn\"t be in the phone, the computer, or even be in another room without him getting upset. So she couldn\"t do any research on finding care either in-home or in another living situation. ------------------- D, who\"s been in senior living for many years, explained to her while he was hospitalized that if he had a 3 night hospital stay, Medicare would pay for 20 days in a rehab/skilled nursing facility, giving her time to make decisions. Despite us trying to make that clear, Mom was convinced she only had 3 days to make a decision to place him somewhere. She thought the nurses and the hospitalist wanted him out in 3 days. We took her home one day for her to try to get some sleep (she stays with him at the hospital whenever he\"s there). We\"d been home maybe 20 minutes when the nurse called asking whe

Here we are. I've decided to journal what we're going through now and how we got here. Presently, my dad (79) was diagnosed with dementia 2 or so years ago, and it's recently been pinpointed as Lewy Body Dementia. My mom (76) has always had mental health issues, but no one dares to talk to her about it. It's gotten to the point we suspect she has some dementia as well. Additionally, she's legally blind (macular degeneration) and has been for over 20 years. Jimmy (my son), D (my partner) and I moved to a home down the street from them in 2015 in part to try to help out. But their stubbornness and pride kept them from letting us help most of the time. Cut to 2020. D was offered a job in Salt Lake City. My mom encouraged us to go, and really, financially we needed to. In November, we lost D's dad who also suffered from dementia and Parkinsons. Thankfully he passed rather quickly but of course we were devastated. Because of covid, we couldn't go to the funeral a