here we are

Here we are.

I've decided to journal what we're going through now and how we got here.

Presently, my dad (79) was diagnosed with dementia 2 or so years ago, and it's recently been pinpointed as Lewy Body Dementia. My mom (76) has always had mental health issues, but no one dares to talk to her about it. It's gotten to the point we suspect she has some dementia as well. Additionally, she's legally blind (macular degeneration) and has been for over 20 years.

Jimmy (my son), D (my partner) and I moved to a home down the street from them in 2015 in part to try to help out. But their stubbornness and pride kept them from letting us help most of the time.

Cut to 2020. D was offered a job in Salt Lake City. My mom encouraged us to go, and really, financially we needed to.

In November, we lost D's dad who also suffered from dementia and Parkinsons. Thankfully he passed rather quickly but of course we were devastated. Because of covid, we couldn't go to the funeral and had to watch on the internet.

Less than a week later, D's company sold the properties he was responsible for and eliminated his job. My mom immediately asked us to return to Dallas.

We arrived back on Christmas day and would stay with them while D worked to set up a new company and we could find a home. They still balked at letting us help, e.g. my dad shouldn't have been driving, but still did. His disease hadn't yet progressed to where it is now.

A month later, I was cleaning the kitchen, and my mom came in and accused me of going through their things and taking their meds. It\"s not the first time that happened.

Mom went off. Accused me of elder abuse. I realized I couldn't take that kind of abuse any longer. I understand she really couldn't control herself, but it killed part of me inside.

She believes *they* were helping us, taking us in because we needed it (we didn't). Then she decided she didn't want us there any longer. She also claims she asked me if I wanted her to contact me if something happened to my dad, and that I replied with a shrug. Not true. Remember, she's blind.

In the following 6 months, D and I found a home and he continued to try to build his own company. I did as she wished: stayed away from them with no contact. That killed another part of me.

Nearly 2 weeks ago, had to find out through my son that my dad had eloped - around 2:30AM. He got dressed and went to a neighbor's house and banged on the door until the police came. They took him to the hospital and were able to determine who he was. I went as soon as I could. Stayed with them one overnight so mom and dad could sleep. He stayed for 5 days until my mom insisted she take him home. There's more to that I'll unpack at another time.

Obviously she can't do this on her own. It's a shitshow of epic proportions. My mom's paranoia is at an all time high. 

I've tried to reach out to my brother. I hadn't spoken to him nor his family in years, after they sided with my ex husband in my divorce, but this is about my daddy and his care. But he's not interested.

Here we are. I have D and his family and I have friends who are like sisters. But I feel like I need to document this and my past. Something good HAS to come of this. Maybe my stories will help someone else.

I plan to spill it all, 50 year's worth, so be advised I'll probably curse and reveal things that may make me - and others - uncomfortable. If you've read this far and find that'll be too much for you, don't read on.

If you've read this far, and you or someone you know, is dealing with loved ones with dementia and/or mental illness, follow along, share.

I'm not trying to expose or spill tea. To me, this as a journey of love, ultimately. And healing. And grace.

xora