Past Imperfect

Feeling my feels today. My birthday. Trying to focus on the good things.  Did hair this morning for sweet long time clients who are friends and they got balloons, cards. Love them a lot. Daddy was able to sing happy birthday to me. I let voice mail take the call so I'll have it forever. I think about everything else and I feel ridiculous having any bad feelings at all. I don't know - maybe that's normal. Today mom has again decided she can't take care of dad. She had to hide all the knives because he's seeing people trying to break in. He came at her with one but she was able to take it from him somehow. His worst hallucinations and paranoia are at night but today was cloudy so I guess he thought it was nighttime. (This is known as 'sundowner syndrome' and is common in dementia.) Discovered my brother called a place while dad was in hospital about taking him, but D had already looked into places nearby and the only one with secure memory care is further away

The emotional manifests the physical.  Several times a day I catch my shoulders up to my (hate the word literally, but here it is). And actually D points it out.  We have to bend, then shift. Bend, so we don't break when the shit hits the fan, natch. But then we have to shift to be able to clean up the fan. (Sorry for the crappy analogy.) I've been trying to put this into practice for a long time and I still struggle especially now. Who am I kidding. I'm a mess. Reflecting this morning I know I can't do anyone any good if I'm a mess. So what can I do differently? It's a day already 🤦🏻‍♀️

Called mom this morning to ask if I could come out to sit with daddy while the air conditioner repair person was there. She seemed... almost cheerful when she answered. Didn't even pretend she didn't know who I was. Yep. She does that. Turns out they were able to get someone to come out last night. They put a band-aid on it and it's working. She was also thrilled she was able to figure out how to have groceries delivered from Walmart at 4:00 this morning. For her that's a big win! I figured today would be a good day for me to see daddy - it's been a whole week today. I got a maybe! She came up with a couple of excuses, but a maybe isn't a no 🤞🏼 xora

It's Saturday. He won't remember. I don't know if there's any little space in him that might know. Especially since I haven't seen him in a whole week. I only know what mom has told me, and I can't trust that at all. I'm feeling very sad this morning. xora

Just as I blogged earlier today... The parent's air conditioner stopped working. Repair can't get there until morning. I offered to come get them and bring them to our house. She balked. Of course. I don't even want to think about what dad may do with a strange repair person in the house. xora

I've learned to not ask, 'what next?'. Because there always a 'next'. Trying hard to not ask, 'how much more can I take?'. Because there's always more I have to take. All I can do is have a mental file cabinet, and place each new problem into its own file.  I wrote and deleted details of what D and I are facing in our own life. This blog is mostly for me to vent (cheaper than therapy!). I know those details. No need to write them here. Bottom line is that we've bled our savings and are scrambling. Everyone dealing with a loved one with LBD is in the same storm: work, raising a family, their own illnesses, debt, pandemic. We have to balance taking care of ourselves and our own family's future with LBD.  I'm looking at it as a shift. I have to be ready at a moment's notice to lean one way or the other. Be ready to bend.  Even through all of this, I am so fortunate. We have a roof over our heads, shaky as it is. We have our people in our cor